Mega Python vs. Gatoroid: 80’s Popstar Bitch Fights

This week has snuck past rather quickly. Let’s blame it on Halloween: simultaneously the best holiday ever and busiest part of the season. It’s two days late, but Halloween lasts all 365 days of the year for me and I still feel the need to talk about one of my favorite “musicians lost in horror movie land.”

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is a serious piece of shit, and yet it’s fucking amazing. There are giant animals, terrible acting, special effects a decade behind and 80’s popstars Debbie Gibson and Tiffany! As I was born in 1991, I can only assume what everyone born pre-1986 has been waiting with bated breath and a soft pretzel in hand for a good ol’ bitch fight between the two singers.

Middle-aged popstars aside, I suppose the real plot line is that Debbie (playing an activist) lets a bunch of pythons free into the Everglades where they become “mega pythons.” Then to combat the gigantic snakes, Tiffany (who plays a rather convincing park ranger) feeds the alligators hormone-injected chickens to increase their size so the gators can feed off the pythons.

Oh it’s mega.

SPOILER ALERT both die. It’s fantastic and strangely satisfying. I’m not quite sure if this was meant to be gratuitously terrible or actually tried to have some merit. Let’s go with the first option, that at least allows the viewer to have some fun. There’s not actually a showdown between the titular mega python and gatoroid but who cares when you get to watch to washed-up pop stars slap each other?

If all else fails and if you feel you’ve lost your sense in humanity, watch these videos of Debbie Gibson and Tiffany’s more happy days. Because, you know, going to the mall eases our pain.

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