Boy, what an age to be alive. Move over, Aristotle. Piss off, da Vinci. We’ve got this shit in the modern era, and you better believe we let it stay alive.
I really hated Microwave Massacre. It’s Massacre is meant to be a black comedy, but I’m afraid most of the humour is lost to me.
Donald (Jackie Vernon) is a construction worker who hates the meals his wife, May, makes him. She’s into ‘gourmet’ food. Instead of the simple bologna and cheese sandwich that he’s desperate for, she makes him unusual concoctions like a crab sandwich, made with an entire crab – claws, shells and all.
Part of May’s inspiration is her new microwave oven. It’s fucking huge and she loves cooking with it. But all dumb-ass Donald does is moan about her cooking to his coworkers, Roosevelt and Phillips.
Donny begins dreaming about killing his wife. In addition to her cooking, his frustration comes from his lack of sex. Though whether or not that’s May’s fault is questionable.
After coming home drunk one night, Donald bludgeons May to death with a pepper grinder after she refuses to make him a bologna and cheese sandwich. I just want to point out that she DID make him a meal. He’s too lazy to make his own, and too big of an ass to appreciate the fact that she went through the effort for him.
Donald is the real villain here, kids.
The next morning, he begins complaining that May hasn’t made him his breakfast or packed him his lunch. Then he finds May’s body in the microwave and gleefully remembers that he’s murdered his wife.
He saws the lady up and wraps her in tin foil, storing her body in the freezer. When he accidentally takes a bite of her hand for a midnight snack, he realises that he actually enjoyed eating his wife. He brings in May’s body parts to feed to his friends at work.
Having a taste for flesh (har, har), Donald picks up a prostitute who has been kicked out of the bar he frequents. Although he’s initially hesitant to have sex with her, he eventually finds his ‘appetite’ and goes through with it – then smothers her with a pillow.
He brings several women home to have sex with then kill, including a woman dressed as a chicken. When he admits to his shrink that he needs to ‘eat’ his women he has sex with, the man congratulates Donald on giving the women he’s with pleasure.
But not everything is so easy for our Donald. He’s is having increasing heart problems, due to his weight. And when May’s sister arrives at his door, he has no choice other than to tie her up, put her in his closet, and gag her with a baguette.
One night, Donald’s friends from work arrive to pick him up for a night out. When they enter his house, they find Donald on the floor, dead from an apparent heart attack. They then discover the body parts stored in the microwave oven, and realise what tasty treats they’ve really been eating.
Oh and the eyes on May’s shrivelled corpse-head glow.
Donald deserved a much worse ending than he got, but such is the justice of the world. I was denied seeing the man’s demise on screen. Why would you deprive me of that?
If anything, Microwave Massacre is a lot more boring than its reputation would make you imagine. If this was 15 minutes long, maybe I’d be sold. But mostly this was dragged out with the same repetitive gags. Plus the misogyny wasn’t very funny. Perhaps if it decided to do something semi-clever, I’d think differently.
But I guess if we can all agree on one thing it’s this: life is a lot easier if you learn to make your own fucking sandwich.