Wicked Wednesday: Elves (1989)

Oh my.

Oh my.

How does one begin to talk about Elves? This 1989 film is hands-down one of the most bewildering movies I have ever seen. “Bewildering” being one of the nicer adjectives one could use.

So let’s just jump straight into this one.

Teenage Kristen hates Christmas. She hates it enough that she gathers her two friends for an anti-Christmas pagan ritual. They gather in the woods to begin to ritual, but Kristen cuts her hand, and bleeds over the ground. The girls decide to pack it up and head home without doing the ritual. Unbeknown to them, a hand reaches out of the ground as a creature from below awakes.

In fairness to Kristen, anyone would hate Christmas with a family like hers. Her brother pervs on her when she’s in the shower. Her grandpa slaps her about. And her mother drowns Kristen’s cat! JUST BECAUSE! Not exactly the group of people who fill you with festive spirit.

Kristen’s wheelchair-bound Gramps is upset for her being in his room. When her mother finds out, she tells Kristen she’s taking away the money in her savings account. Poor Kristen works a crap job at a cafe in a department store. Despite not being able to keep anything but her tips, she keeps her job.

At the department store, former police officer Mike McGaven visits the store to ask for a job. Though he’s initially turned away, he eventually gets work as Santa after the original Mr. Claus is killed by the elf after he pervs on Kristen. In room where the former-Santa was staying, he finds a symbol on the floor and decides to investigate it.

You can’t stop a cop and he’s old habits, eh?

That night, the elf digs up Kristen’s dead cat and dances it in front of her window. Though it’s clearly trying to protect her, it’s got a sick sense of humour. Seeing an elf (which she keeps calling “troll”) is obviously upsetting to Kristen. Her grandfather becomes angry with her when he discovers her drawing of the Christmas virgin, or whatever.

Mike and Kristen become friendly with each other as Mike becomes a regular at her cafe. Mike, having been kicked out of his mobile home, begins to stay in his Santa room. Kristen plans a night with her two best friends and three boys to pal around the department store after hours.

But there are other plans being formed for Kristen. While she plans with her friends at the cafe, a man in a not-at-all subtle black coat listens in on them.

A group of Germans in similar black coats interrogate Kristen’s grandpa. They remind him that his granddaughter is key, and she will begin a new world order.

Then this fucking line drops.

“When there is no more room left in hell, the elves will walk the earth.”


Anyway, Mike’s research on the mysterious symbol eventually leads him to believe that the Nazis are somehow involved with the murder. While he’s out, the girls begin to prepare for their night in at the department store, and Kristen begins to contemplate whether or not she wants to lose her virginity that night. She wants it to be “special.”

When Mike, who has returned to his room at the department store, hears the girls giggling and slapping on blush, he tells them off. But Kristen, pointing out that he’s also there under shady circumstances, makes a deal with him and neither will rat out the other.

But the shady black-coat men break into the store after killing the girls’ boyfriends. The girls scatter in different directions. One girl is killed by the men in the elevator while the other is killed by the elf (again – no idea why).

Mike is able to protect Kristen using his ex-cop skills, and is able to get her to safety. Though she’s blamed for all the damage to the shop and Mike gets into trouble with the police. But that’s not nearly the amount of trouble Kristen gets into with her mom.

At Kristen’s house, Mike tries to defuse the argument happening in the family. But while talking down Gramps, he notices the murder-scene symbol carved into the hardwood floor. Mike leaves the house to continue his search, certain that the symbol has something to do with why Kristen was being targeted.

He goes to two professors for some help, and boy. Here is gets fun.

The first professor says that the symbol is the symbol of the elves. When Noah took two of each animal in his ark, he also took the creeping creatures: elves! And apparently the Nazis news his story and believed.

The second professor shares two different theories with Mike. The first is that the Nazi’s experimented with elves to form assassination teams. The second, wait for, was that elves were used in genetic experiments by the Nazis. Their sperm housed the master-race genes. Since elves were immortal, this was an ideal way to protect their Aryan ideals. The elves must consummate with a virgin on Christmas Eve because plot.

Kristen is told by her grandfather to pack, but her mother catches her. She reveals to Kristen that Gramps is not only Kristen’s grandfather – but her real father!

When she confronts Gramps, he admits that he indeed drugged his daughter and when he rapped her, she was at least unconscious. Because, sure that makes it better. Kristen’s grandpa explains that it needed to happen in order to create Kristen: the perfect Aryan specimen.

Then things get a bit worse/better: Mike manages to escape from his car that is loaded with dynamite, and Kristen’s mom is killed when the elf electrocutes her in the bathtub!

Mike arrives at Kristen’s house to protect her from the Nazis (yes), and Gramps tells Kristen that she knows how to defeat the elf because her dreams already told her stuff…or something. He also drops this little nugget: if the elf impregnates Kristen, she will give birth to the anti-Christ.

Obviously this man doesn’t believe in the woman’s right to choose.

The Nazi’s arrive and kill Gramps. Despite Mike’s best attempts to find them off, he’s shot as well. But Kristen manages to escape with her brother Willy into the woods.

Kristen injures her ankle when she becomes stuck in the elf’s hole (ew), and she can’t run away. The elf eventually corners her. Willy runs off and collects a red gem from Gramp’s study. He brings it back to Kristen, and she uses it to kill the elf.

While everything seems peaceful, the credits begin to roll over footage of a fetus, whose heart is beating. Presumably inside Kristen’s womb. Meaning the elf managed to rape her after all.

So the Nazis win! Merry Christmas! At least Kristen said she wanted to lose her virginity to someone special. Doesn’t get any more special than an elf, right? Eh?

This movie is so wonderfully strange. It’s so horrifying (elf rape!), and straight-up nonsense, but it is truly a spectacle to behold. It has some great lines: “Are we going to be alright?” “No, Willy, Gramps is a Nazi.” And “Are you hurt? Good.” It’s certainly something I want to tell everyone about, even if it’s a bit shit. But it’s shit in a special way.

I have to admit, I don’t understand 90% of this film’s mumbo jumbo, but it certainly makes me laugh.

Elves has not had a DVD release yet, but hey, we can only hope.

And from American of London, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! May it be Nazi-free!

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