After last week’s abysmal fan service episode, Riverdale came back in style with “Chapter Twenty-Eight: There Will Be Blood.”

Mayor McCoy will always be Mayor McCoy to me. Neither Ms McCoy or Sierra do her any justice. So for my sake, she’s still Mayor McCoy. Only she’s not ever since she stepped down from office to avoid her scandalous relationship with Sheriff Keller being revealed.

But the mayor stepping down triggers a special election. And the Lodges have picked their next candidate: Fred Andrew. Fred and Archie discuss Fred’s interest on their way home from a dinner at the Lodges. Fred admits that he had actually wanted to be mayor ever since he was a little boy (seems strange, but it’s Luke Perry so it’s fine).

Archie immediately knows that his father is just going to be a puppet for the powerful family. So he turns to Jughead for help by revealing that Pop’s Chock’Lit Shoppe was bought by the Lodges on the sly.

Jughead’s suspicions of the Lodges turn out to be true. He realises that all the land that Hiram has bought had been devalued for various reason: Southside High and the ‘meth’, Pop’s and the shooting, the Serpents and the drive-in. But when Jughead confronts Pop Tate, Pop admits to the selling but asks Jughead to keep quiet until the death of Pop’s mother. The shop had been in the family for 80 years, and he was the one to break the line. Juggie, in a moment of true compassion, agrees to keep the secret.

Only Pop doesn’t keep his visit from Jughead quiet. When the Lodges realise Jughead is hot on their trail, Hiram begins to look someone to point a finger at. Veronica takes the blame for Archie, lying by claiming she told Jughead herself to get him off the trail of the Lodge’s real project.

Jughead’s story has seemingly hit a dead end, having no more sources to contact. FP tries to help is son by admitting that the Serpents were paid by Hiram Lodge to devalue the drive-in land (which, I thought everyone knew on purpose, but whatever). Before Jughead and grasp that, he receives an anonymous call.

Jughead goes to the bus station where he has a conversation with his “Deep Throat” – Smithers, the Lodges’ ex-butler and driver. He gives Jughead one piece of information: that Hiram was in contact with people from Shawshank Prison, which was not the prison that Hiram did time in.

In fact, Shawshank is where FP did his time. And he uses his connections to dig information about the Lodges. And finally, finally the Lodges’ big plan is revealed: to build a prison where the old Southside High was and to turn the rest of the development into the housing for the people working there.

When the Lodges realise their time is limited (they too have insiders in the prison), they call Fred Andrews to tell him of their plans. But poor, innocent Fred is angry and tells the Lodges that he will not run for mayor for them anymore. But poor, stupid Archie decides to side with Veronica and her family. He even does a blood oath and burns his notebook containing all the information he had kept notes on about Hiram’s doings.

So who better to take Fred’s potential place than Hermione fucking Lodge herself. But while it’s fun to watch her parade around and prepare to rule the world, I can’t help but feel sorry for the Fred Andrews in the world. The people who only want to better their towns for everyone, not just themselves. It, again, probably has to do with the fact that Luke Perry’s eyes…

But Jughead’s story? No one will publish it, and the news of the prison remains the Lodges’ best-kept secret.

Speaking of secrets: the Blossom family. And the Cooper family.

But first: the Coopers. Hal tells Alice that he wants a divorce. Letting Chic into the family edged Hal out. But to sweeten the deal, he tells Alice that he will thrown in 50% of the sales of the Riverdale Register. And Alice falls for it.

Cheryl learns that a secret will of her late father has been discovered, and that a will reading will take place the following day. Hal, Betty and a fresh-from-the-farm Polly all go to the reading.

It’s revealed that part of Clifford Blossom’s assets will be divided in half: one half to his children, and the other half to be divided up between any one in Riverdale who can prove that they are a Blossom by blood (meaning the Coopers). Alice crashes the will reading, saying Hal only wanted a divorce so he could keep the money to himself. And it’s glorious, old Alice.

But Alice somehow isn’t the most dramatic thing about the will reading: it’s the return of Clifford’s long-lost twin brother. Uncle Claudius.

Claudius explains that he fled the family after Clifford threatened to kill him. It’s all very disorienting, but he’s clearly up to no good. I feel like the evil twin thing is a bit of a cop out, but I’ll let it stand if this leads to more devious Blossom shenanigans. Things clearly are not looking good for poor Cheryl.

Betty and Polly both get blood tested so they can receive their inheritance. But Chic, supposedly their brother by blood, refuses. He says he doesn’t want “blood money” but it makes Betty instantly suspicious. Thankfully, she’s been catfishing her brother thanks to Kevin’s help. But she eventually snoops and gets the DNA she needs from from dental floss.

In a not-so-shocking but still satisfying reveal, Betty learns that Chic isn’t who he claims to be. Which can only mean one thing: he’s not a Cooper but only Alice’s son (meaning he could still be FP’s son, which is a popular fan theory).

OR

Chic is working with the Black Hood, who is still alive! The Black Hood is the REAL Cooper brother and is using Chic to do his dirty work while he lies low. And they are working together with Claudius who is the Riverdale Reaper (even though he’s too young – whatever).

I NEED MORE DRAMA, RIVERDALE! You’ve given me a taste of blood, and I’m wanting more.

Riverdale was actually fun to watch this week. The silly twin plot twist, the devious deviousness, and the Alice Cooper insanity all made it feel like Old Riverdale again. It wasn’t a perfect episode. For one, I still find Archie’s reasoning for following the Lodges really weak. I get he wants to clean up Riverdale, but a prison isn’t exactly going to help that, is it? But still, this was an enjoyable episode to watch. Which is something I haven’t felt about this show in three very long months.