I’m still very much in a movie hangover following The Challenge. Savage Weekend is the only horror movie I watched all week. And honestly, I had to force myself to watch something.

Probably didn’t help things that I watched what felt like the world’s slowest slasher film.

Now maybe that’s not completely accurate. But this sleazy soap-opera-like movie is incredibly bloodless and boring. But it does have some intense banjo tunes.

Maria is recently separated from her husband, Greg, following a political scandal. She, her sister Maria, friend Nicky and new bf Robert head upstate to a farmhouse in the countryside.

Along the way, the group gets up to shenanigans, including beating up homophobic hicks and buying stupid masks. You know, the usual road trip must-dos!

When they arrive, Robert’s friend Jay is there. Jay gets roped into helping build Robert’s new boat, which is meant be put together by local eccentric/possible murderer Otis.

There’s not much else that happens here. Marie gets turned on by local lumberjack Mac. But she ends up rejecting his advances later. I would explain why, but I’m not exactly sure why. I think it’s because she’s with Robert, but you could have fooled me. Marie and Robert are supposedly in a relationship but barely act like it until the final act of the film.

As everyone prepares for a nice dinner one night, everyone realises that Jay has gone missing (spoiler alert: he’s dead). The group split up and yes, everyone gets attacked and eventually dies bar Marie.

It’s really unsurprising when the killer takes off his mask. It’s grumpy Greg! I think he might have explained his motive, but the audio was so incredibly bad, that I couldn’t really hear what the actor was saying (he was mumbling). And honestly, I don’t really know if I care what his motives were!

That’s probably the main issue with this movie. It was so weighed down with relationship drama, but nothing I felt invested in. So when everyone died, it didn’t seem too big of a deal.

I did appreciate that the characters were older and that Nicky was gay. I did wonder why Nicky could kick so much ass in the beginning but was taken down so easily by the killer. Seemed like one of those scenes was unnecessary.

Anyway. I’m sorry Savage Weekend. I didn’t like you. This might be an “It’s me, not you” situation. My brain is fried, and the last thing I needed was drawn-out drama and pointless scenes of intimacy. If we’re going to have this in a horror movie, you might as well cover it in blood.