Christmas horror movie

Wicked Wednesday: Jack Frost (1997)

Tis the season for “it was really just okay but mostly forgettable” holiday films! Apparently, I guess.

I don’t set out to watch average films, but the heavy hitters of Christmas horror movies are far and few between. Jack Frost is certainly an average fare.

If you like the original Child’s Play but want more Christmas spirit and a lower budget, this movie is really made for you.

Jack Frost is a serial killer. A particularly nasty one at that. While he’s being transported to his execution, the van he is in collides with a truck carrying chemicals.

Jack’s body combines with the genetic material and the snow, turning him into a snowman.

As a snowman, Jack is able to terrorise a small town. The small town, in fact, where he was caught by the sheriff, Sam Tiler.

So as the townspeople begin preparing for Christmas, Jack wrecks havoc by killing them. Two men from the FBI arriving, looking for Jack but refusing to admit to anyone that they still believe he’s alive.

But Tiler soon realised something is amiss, especially when his son’s bully is killed in a freak sled-related accident.

Eventually, the agents must admit the truth when the snowman Jack appears at the police station. Ruler and the others try to fend the killer snowman off repeatedly.

When blowing up the police station or sticking Jack in the incinerator doesn’t work, Tiler has the idea to use antifreeze instead. The townspeople all believe it’s done the trick. Only, it’s a horror movie that demands a sequel – so of course it’s not the end of things.

When I was younger (I was six when this movie was released), the VHS cover terrified me at the rental shop. I thought about it constantly. Because of that fear, I never was keen to watch it. But turns out there is nothing remotely scary. It’s very much a comedy with gore.

I actually chuckled a little, whereas I never felt any sense of tension. That’s not to say the film doesn’t try its best. Some of the deaths are rather gross and one actually pretty humorous. Only, a killer snowman is so ridiculous it is so very hard to take seriously.

The same could probably be said about a certain killer doll, but there’s plenty of evidence that says otherwise.

If you’re looking for something ridiculous, this certainly fits the bill. It just depends on how much late-90s tastelessness you can handle.

Wicked Wednesday: Sint (2010)

Growing up, my family always kind of celebrated Saint Nicholas in December. It was a strange sort of tradition, not something that was ever really explained to me. We’d just wake up and there would be gifts in our stockings on the 6th. I suppose it was just a leftover “thing we do” from my mother’s family (who were from Brannenborg and Zachodniopomorskie).

I never really “got it” but I really enjoyed it. Especially because a lot of my friends didn’t. It was some wacky thing my mom was obsessed with when we were kids.

So really, what better way to celebrate this, er, holiday I have a vague understanding of than watching a Dutch film about dear, jolly Saint Nicholas?

Much of the Sinterklass (the Dutch name for Saint Nic) lore is ripe for the horror movie treatment. Exhibit A: The endless amounts of Krampus movies that were churned out in the last decade. Many of Saint Nicholas’s “companions” are really rather terrifying or a bit offensive. And clearly, it was an well of inspiration for Dutch icon Dick Mass.

In 1492, the 5th of December, Niklas terrorises a town with his cronies in tow. Fed up with the attacks, a group of villagers seek retribution and set fire to Niklas’ large ship.

And for every 23 years later after, a full moon on the 5th, Niklas begins to rise from his watery grave to attack once again. In 1968, his team kill of an entire farm film except for one small boy, Goert.

In the present day (2010), Frank is a young boy stirring up his own sort of trouble. After being dumped publicly by his girlfriend Sophie, Frank and his friends get dressed as Sinterklass and two Zwarte Piets before heading out into the night before debauchery.

Only their fun is over before it even begins. On their way to the party, the boys stop and attacked by a group of ghouls. Frank’s friends are promptly torn to bits. Frank, on the other hand, manages to get away in the car. But he’s promptly stopped and arrested.

Frank later learns about the shenanigans going on in Amsterdam that night. Several people, including Sophie, have been brutally killed by someone dressed as Sinterklass. And Frank seems the most likely suspect?

He is later moved, where the police transporting him are stopped by the ghouls. They’re also promptly killed off, one is even crushed by Nic’s horse (!). Before Sinterklass can get to Frank, the Saint is attacked by a man wielding a flamethrower.

After the older gent fends of Sinterklass, he introduces himself to Frank as Goert.

Goert is a policeman in Amsterdam, hellbent on ending the Sinterklass’s crime-spree after his family’s murders. He tells young Frank that he plans to set fire to the Sinterklass’s boat, ending his reign of terror.

Frank decides to go along with. I don’t know – seeing is believe, the spirit of the season, etc. The two men set off together to find the ship, hoping for the best and knowing they’ll get the worst.

Sint will appeal to a certain type of horror fan. Anyone who already enjoyed A Christmas Horror Story and the like will certainly enjoy this. The idea alone to twist jolly old Saint Nicholas into a brutal killer will delight many. There are a few fun deaths, though not very terrifying or imaginative.

I, personally, didn’t enjoy it even half as much as Maas’s De Lift. But I do always lean towards older, mouldier cheeses. If you’re looking for a film that you’ll talk about for years afterwards, watch that classic. Otherwise, Sint is fairly standard affair that you might just forget about later.

Wicked Wednesday: Black Christmas (2006)

Every year I put off watching this. I have no idea what possessed me to watch it this year, but it was 100% an absolute mistake.

Remakes are tricky. They have a bad reputation at this moment in time when the market is saturated with them, but there are many remakes that are incredibly successful. Anything from The Thing and yes even the 2013 Evil Dead are great movies, even sometimes (in the case of The Thing) vastly improving on the original.

Making a successful remake, though, is hard. It needs to stand on its own two feet without being too dissimilar where it only exists to rip off a name, and it needs to be original in its own right.

The 2006 Black Christmas is a cynical money-grab that can kiss my Christmas ass. Even with Bob Clark’s name attached and Andrea Martin’s role as the house mother couldn’t save this sinking ship.

This remake is pretty standard fair when it comes to the plot. If you have seen the original, imagine that but stripped down to its bare bones. The film attempts to add some originality by adding a back story for Billy.

Unfortunately, this is the film’s biggest faux pas. One of the original’s strengths is that we really have no idea what “Billy” wants or why he’s doing what he’s doing. It’s the feeding of small facts throughout the film that makes it unknown feel large and terrifying.

Like many remakes, Black Christmas is trying to create a story about characters that we just don’t care about. Actually, you had me caring about Billy and his father until the father gets killed. The story just gets daft from there – and not even in a fun House on Sorority Row way.

There was a fairly decent cast here, that could have made something convincing if given the right material. Mary Elizabeth Winstead in particular has proved time and time again she has the chops for horror, but she’s entirely forgettable (though I really don’t blame her). But by focusing so much on Billy and his story, it takes away from the time that could be invested in making us care about the Sorority sisters. It’s pretty difficult to care about any of them. They most exist to just be bodies (but I guess this is a slasher after all).

Ultimately, I am incredibly biased. The 1974 Black Christmas is not only my favourite Christmas horror movie, but it’s one of my favourite movies ever. It preys upon all my fears and has some incredibly real horrible moments.

This remake attempts to capture those same moments, but it always falls short. The visuals of Billy’s eyes watching the girls is so terrifying in the original and here it just feels…perverted. I guess both are meant to be that way, but one is much more effective than the other.

Added ‘twists’ are pretty obvious and, again, just not that impressive.

So “in summary”: Black Christmas 2006 is overly-long. It’s tired and cliched. And it’s very, very, very boring. Skip this and just rewatch the original. Not that you probably needed any convincing otherwise.