A few weeks ago I injured my hand in a freak aerobics accident. It involved one part British-brick wall, one part punch moves, and two parts Sweatin’ to the Oldies: Disco Sweat. My hand turned black and made basic things like sleeping, reading and typing physically impossible. But more importantly, I injured my dignity. Mr Richard Simmons and I have been good friends, but when you punch your fist into the wall during a KC and the Sunshine Band tune, well, maybe it’s time to switch things up.
And when you really, really hate gyms, how many other options are there really? Well, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout is one of those. Remember in the 80s and early 90s where literally every celebrity and their mothers had workout tapes? Well, that must be the only reason that this had the possibility to be made. If you don’t know who Linnea Quigley is for any reason (I’m assuming its because you were born without a soul), this little actress starred in such cult gems as Return of the Living Dead, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and, of course, the original Night of the Demons. She’s queen of the b-movies, and every ounce of the cheesy goodness in those movies is attempted in this workout video.
I’m not sure what I was expecting from this, but I suppose I got exactly what I should have expected. Linnea Quigley was and is in fabulous shape. I wonder if most of this workout was due to excess amounts of cocaine left over from the 80’s, but it’s super fast-paced and totally bat shit.
In the 60-minute tape, only about thirty minutes are a workout. Other parts include Quigley entirely nude in the shower or Quigley talking about all the movies she’s been in. It’s so wacky that you kind of just have to go with it. But the actual working out bits feel like they’ve been filmed by a pornographer. If you want to know what to do next, just make it up yourself because Quigley hardly cares enough to walk you through it and the director is too busy training the camera on her ass.
The film is split up into three sections: Quigley doing floor stretches, Quigley training with zombies by the pool and Quigley working out with some girlfriends at a slumber party. Each part contains a story of some sort, and each has fabulous outfits. Though while she always looks fabulous, sometimes the poor girl looks like she’s stuck when you’ve ended up doing the same damn move for five minutes in a row.
I’m not sure what I got out of this work out other than the uncomfortable feeling that this was actually a sex-less porno and not a real work-out tape at all. Maybe I’ve been duped all along. What ever it is, this is my payment for abandoning Richard Simmons.