Riverdale ep. 29 recap “Chapter Twenty-Nine: Primary Colors”

All hail Mary Andrews!

Just when things get too dirty in Riverdale, a queen swoops in to save the day. Or rather, save her husband. With Hermione running for mayor, Fred decides to pull Andrews Construction out of all deals with the Lodges. And that needs some serious legal help.

And what else needs a lot of help? Mary’s sass-mouthed son, Archie. Having mama home is a fresh breath of reality that was needed on the show. Whenever Archie begins to talk down to his dad (via the evil poisons of Hiram Lodge), Mary is there to set her son right. And thank god for that.

But with the prison plan out in the open, the Lodges begin to play up to what a great idea this is. Being dragged in the mud with them is Veronica. Her parents demand that she keep her head down.

And Ronnie does the exact  opposite of that by running for school body president. But the attention really doesn’t do her any good. Ethel gives her a milkshake in the face for all the “crimes” that the Lodge family have done. Veronica tries to win her back by getting Hiram to offer Ethel’s dad a job at the prison! And let’s all remember – what the Lodge financial scandal did to Ethel’s dad literally led him to attempting suicide and Veronica pretended to care for one episode.

Hiram makes things even trickier for Veronica when he decides to move the demolition of Southside High forward to the following week. Jughead starts a hunger strike (!!!) and gathers the Serpents to chain themselves to the school.

Veronica tries to get Josie’s endorsement, and she seemingly agrees. The two girls begin to perform a number together when Ethel arrives passing out fliers, listing all of the lies that Veronica has done. When Ronnie says “but the job!” Ethel simply tells her: It’s too little too late. Damn right it is, girl.

But the fliers reveal that Veronica knew all along about the Lodges’ plan to build the prison, despite what she told her friends. Betty, who was planning to be Veronica’s running mate, pulls out of the race. And the friendship becomes even more strained.

At the end of the week, Hiram sends Archie out to break the chains of Jughead’s protest. Archie agrees, but only if Hiram agrees to let Fred out of all their contracts together. And he does. Seeing Archie betray Jughead really hurts. Even though their friendship is one of the least believable things about this TV show.

Ultimately, Jughead decides to take matters into his own hands by running for student body president himself. He asks Betty to be his running mate, and she agrees (though why doesn’t Betty just run herself? Literally everyone likes her).

Fred also announces to Archie that he has decided to run for mayor. Not sure if it’s Mary’s help or if it was Archie’s disgusting comments about him that really drove the message home.

Though politics are cute, Betty is trying to handle Chic still. Last episode revealed that he isn’t a Blossom, but unfortunately, all ships of Alice and FP were put to rest by Alice herself. So Chic isn’t FP’s son or Hal’s…so who’s boy is it?

Chic continues to be a creep, and we all know that he really deserves that punch that Veronica gave Reggie.

But while Betty and Chic keep trying to out-darkness each other or whatever, Cheryl Blossom is facing some seriously dark stuff.

She tells the “inner circle” of her girlfriends that she believes her mother and her newly-discovered uncle are plotting against her and Nana Rose. Her paranoia is proved right when Nana Rose falls from her wheelchair one night.

While the old lady survives, Cheryl knows it isn’t the end of the crazy shit. The doctor tells Cheryl that traces of tannis root were found in Nana Rose’s blood, which caused her to become paralysed.

Penelope Blossom arrives at the hospital to take Cheryl away. But the two don’t go home.

Toni later visits the Blossom residence to visit Cheryl. Penelope tells Toni that Cheryl has gone to “boarding school in Switzerland”, but in actuality, Cheryl has been sent to conversion therapy at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy. The Blossoms have gone full Flowers in the Attic and it’s fascinating. Poor Cheryl. How the hell will she get herself out of this one?

While this was a fun episode, it was ultimately a very frustrating one. I’m not sure why Riverdale decided to make 50% of its main cast so unlikable. There’s flawed and then there’s flat-out horrible. Archie really needs a full turn around here or I’m out. Even Veronica needs a wake up call. I’m not supporting the bullying she faced at the hands of the girls at her school, but girl can’t have her cake and eat it too.

I probably shouldn’t be rooting as hard as I am for something really bad to happen to A&V.

It was a big heavy-handed but I liked the message of the episode. Don’t like what your government are doing? Run yourself and try to make a difference.


Riverdale ep. 28 recap “Chapter Twenty-Eight: There Will Be Blood”

After last week’s abysmal fan service episode, Riverdale came back in style with “Chapter Twenty-Eight: There Will Be Blood.”

Mayor McCoy will always be Mayor McCoy to me. Neither Ms McCoy or Sierra do her any justice. So for my sake, she’s still Mayor McCoy. Only she’s not ever since she stepped down from office to avoid her scandalous relationship with Sheriff Keller being revealed.

But the mayor stepping down triggers a special election. And the Lodges have picked their next candidate: Fred Andrew. Fred and Archie discuss Fred’s interest on their way home from a dinner at the Lodges. Fred admits that he had actually wanted to be mayor ever since he was a little boy (seems strange, but it’s Luke Perry so it’s fine).

Archie immediately knows that his father is just going to be a puppet for the powerful family. So he turns to Jughead for help by revealing that Pop’s Chock’Lit Shoppe was bought by the Lodges on the sly.

Jughead’s suspicions of the Lodges turn out to be true. He realises that all the land that Hiram has bought had been devalued for various reason: Southside High and the ‘meth’, Pop’s and the shooting, the Serpents and the drive-in. But when Jughead confronts Pop Tate, Pop admits to the selling but asks Jughead to keep quiet until the death of Pop’s mother. The shop had been in the family for 80 years, and he was the one to break the line. Juggie, in a moment of true compassion, agrees to keep the secret.

Only Pop doesn’t keep his visit from Jughead quiet. When the Lodges realise Jughead is hot on their trail, Hiram begins to look someone to point a finger at. Veronica takes the blame for Archie, lying by claiming she told Jughead herself to get him off the trail of the Lodge’s real project.

Jughead’s story has seemingly hit a dead end, having no more sources to contact. FP tries to help is son by admitting that the Serpents were paid by Hiram Lodge to devalue the drive-in land (which, I thought everyone knew on purpose, but whatever). Before Jughead and grasp that, he receives an anonymous call.

Jughead goes to the bus station where he has a conversation with his “Deep Throat” – Smithers, the Lodges’ ex-butler and driver. He gives Jughead one piece of information: that Hiram was in contact with people from Shawshank Prison, which was not the prison that Hiram did time in.

In fact, Shawshank is where FP did his time. And he uses his connections to dig information about the Lodges. And finally, finally the Lodges’ big plan is revealed: to build a prison where the old Southside High was and to turn the rest of the development into the housing for the people working there.

When the Lodges realise their time is limited (they too have insiders in the prison), they call Fred Andrews to tell him of their plans. But poor, innocent Fred is angry and tells the Lodges that he will not run for mayor for them anymore. But poor, stupid Archie decides to side with Veronica and her family. He even does a blood oath and burns his notebook containing all the information he had kept notes on about Hiram’s doings.

So who better to take Fred’s potential place than Hermione fucking Lodge herself. But while it’s fun to watch her parade around and prepare to rule the world, I can’t help but feel sorry for the Fred Andrews in the world. The people who only want to better their towns for everyone, not just themselves. It, again, probably has to do with the fact that Luke Perry’s eyes…

But Jughead’s story? No one will publish it, and the news of the prison remains the Lodges’ best-kept secret.

Speaking of secrets: the Blossom family. And the Cooper family.

But first: the Coopers. Hal tells Alice that he wants a divorce. Letting Chic into the family edged Hal out. But to sweeten the deal, he tells Alice that he will thrown in 50% of the sales of the Riverdale Register. And Alice falls for it.

Cheryl learns that a secret will of her late father has been discovered, and that a will reading will take place the following day. Hal, Betty and a fresh-from-the-farm Polly all go to the reading.

It’s revealed that part of Clifford Blossom’s assets will be divided in half: one half to his children, and the other half to be divided up between any one in Riverdale who can prove that they are a Blossom by blood (meaning the Coopers). Alice crashes the will reading, saying Hal only wanted a divorce so he could keep the money to himself. And it’s glorious, old Alice.

But Alice somehow isn’t the most dramatic thing about the will reading: it’s the return of Clifford’s long-lost twin brother. Uncle Claudius.

Claudius explains that he fled the family after Clifford threatened to kill him. It’s all very disorienting, but he’s clearly up to no good. I feel like the evil twin thing is a bit of a cop out, but I’ll let it stand if this leads to more devious Blossom shenanigans. Things clearly are not looking good for poor Cheryl.

Betty and Polly both get blood tested so they can receive their inheritance. But Chic, supposedly their brother by blood, refuses. He says he doesn’t want “blood money” but it makes Betty instantly suspicious. Thankfully, she’s been catfishing her brother thanks to Kevin’s help. But she eventually snoops and gets the DNA she needs from from dental floss.

In a not-so-shocking but still satisfying reveal, Betty learns that Chic isn’t who he claims to be. Which can only mean one thing: he’s not a Cooper but only Alice’s son (meaning he could still be FP’s son, which is a popular fan theory).


Chic is working with the Black Hood, who is still alive! The Black Hood is the REAL Cooper brother and is using Chic to do his dirty work while he lies low. And they are working together with Claudius who is the Riverdale Reaper (even though he’s too young – whatever).

I NEED MORE DRAMA, RIVERDALE! You’ve given me a taste of blood, and I’m wanting more.

Riverdale was actually fun to watch this week. The silly twin plot twist, the devious deviousness, and the Alice Cooper insanity all made it feel like Old Riverdale again. It wasn’t a perfect episode. For one, I still find Archie’s reasoning for following the Lodges really weak. I get he wants to clean up Riverdale, but a prison isn’t exactly going to help that, is it? But still, this was an enjoyable episode to watch. Which is something I haven’t felt about this show in three very long months.

Riverdale Ep. 26 recap “Chapter Twenty-Six: The Tell-Tale Heart”

There is nothing better than a villain you love to hate. And Chic, I’m on to you. You skeezy creep.

This week’s episode of Riverdale gave us all plenty of reasons to hate on the evil-doers of Riverdale.

Last week, we were left watching Alice Cooper cleaning up the blood surrounding the corpse on her living room rug. She explains to Betty that Chic killed the man. Betty wants to call the police, thinking it was self-defence, but Alice ignores her.

While Chic sits alone ‘crying’ like an idiot, the Cooper women work together to clean up his mess. They bleach the house and then take the corpse to Alice’s “secret place” – a lonely sewer pipe.

Unsurprisingly, Betty doesn’t handle this well. She barely sleeps, doesn’t tell Jughead she loves him, and when Kevin tells the group about the death of Papa Poutine, she goes into the bathroom and is sick with nerves.

Not able to forget about the corpse, Betty returns to the body and takes the phone that was left on the man. She goes through his messages and calls and realises that the man was there to deliver drugs to Chic. Suddenly Chic’s great defender isn’t so happy with him anymore. But despite learning this, Alice seems completely fine pretending like nothing has happened (because she’s being MASSIVELY manipulated by that little creep ‘son’ of hers).

Meanwhile, Archie continues to tango with the FBI agent. He becomes less more resistant to work with them, and isn’t willing to betray the Lodges. But one night when he gets home, he sees the agent speaking to Fred. Archie’s dad later tells him that he’s being investigated for hiring illegal workers from Canada.

Archie still sticks to his guns and refuses to break, he instead goes to Hiram and admits everything about the agent. Hiram agrees to help Archie and his dad get out of their mess.

But Hiram’s week isn’t so easy. When Veronica learns about the death of Papa Poutine, she suspects that her father is involved. Archie encourages her to be open with her dad, and when she asks Hiram, he says he’s clear of any involvement.

This, rightly, doesn’t satisfy Veronica. But she and her dad have other things to sort out, like their mess on the South Side. The two Lodges meet with FP and Jughead to talk about the closing of the trailer park. They come to an agreement that Hiram will pay everyone’s back rent in return that Jughead doesn’t mention Hiram in his expose about the South Side.

After learning about the deal, Mayor McCoy becomes nervous. She’s been threatened to be exposed by Jughead, and is desperate to get the Lodges to stop their work until she’s re-elected, in case Jughead’s article comes out and she loses the election. But the Lodges, unwilling to wait with their masterplan for the South Side, decide to blackmail the mayor about her affair to make her compliant.

Upon hearing this, Veronica goes to Mayor McCoy and tells them about her parents’ plan for her. The mayor takes the opportunity to step down before anything is exposed. When Hiram asks if Veronica was involved, she gives him a smile and tells him no.

But there’s still that body.

Unable to handle the anxiety alone, Betty tells Jughead about the murder. While discussing actions, the parking enforcement woman stops by and inquires about the car that has been sitting outside the Cooper’s house for a few days. Together, Betty and Jughead realise that the car belongs to the drug dealer.

They hotwire the car, and together dispose of it a la Psycho by pushing it into a bog.

Betty’s troubles only get worse when Cheryl approaches her with news. Penelope Blossom (being a lady of the night now) has been spending a lot of time with Hal Cooper, who has been kicked out of the house. When Cheryl told her mom to stop, Penelope tells Cheryl that Hal is not a client but the real deal.

Probably because he’s the only male Blossom left in town, I guess. But when Betty learns of the affair, she uses it as leverage against he father to make him leave, and to stop him from being suspicious about what the family was hiding from him.

Alice and Betty later learn that Jughead told FP about the body. While Alice is dismayed, FP helps them by disposing of the body for them. “Taking care of their own” or whatever. It’s sweet. And this is all definitely opening doors for FP and Alice to get together which I am all for.

One night, Archie is picked up by the Lodge’s driver, Andre and is told that “the boss” wants to talk to him. Instead of driving to the Pembrooke, Archie is driven to a cliff high above Sweet Water River. But when he goes to meet the boss, it’s not Hiram who is waiting there for him, but Hermione.

She tells him that the agent was hired by her to ascertain if Archie would be loyal to them and Veronica. He passed her little test when he went to Hiram to tell him about the agent and the bug. But while Archie should look relieved, he looks like someone just crushed his dog Vegas with a steamroller.

While that’s a lame reveal, it’s strangely comforting to know that this ridiculous plotline with the FBI was as constructed as it seemed. Maybe for all of my complaining about this show, I just needed to be patient.

But I am really excited to see Chic get his ass kicked or whatever. He’s my new favourite character to despise. Bring on more of that, and let the payoff be sweet.

There won’t be a new Riverdale episode now until March. Looking forward to some well-deserved drama next month!

Riverdale Ep. 25 recap “Chapter Twenty-Five: The Wicked and the Divine”

What do you do with a show that no longer has a big mystery to solve? Throw the mob in!

Actually, just throw everything in as we try to remember what Riverdale is and try to figure out where it’s going. But “Chapter Twenty-Five” did at least seem like a small shuffle in the right direction.

Poor Archie, as per last week’s episode, strengthens his ties with the Lodge family by offering to help Hiram. Helping, apparently, means being an errand boy for Hiram. Though the kid’s work pays off when Hiram asks Archie to work his poker game before Veronica’s confirmation.

Archie is, of course, still mixed up with the FBI. Or the rogue FBI agent. I’m still not convinced this guy is professional. When Archie tells him about working the poker game, the agent is adamant that Archie spies for him. While Archie agrees, he refuses to wear a wire at the game.

But again, poor Archie. He’s a bit delusional just because Veronica is his ‘one true love’ or whatever (you’re sixteen, boy). Getting himself wrapped more tightly around her finger is hands-down the dumbest thing the fool could do.

At the poker game at Pop’s, Archie listens in on the conversations with Hiram and his ‘colleagues’. The men are from various areas of business, but Papa Poutine from Canada is hands-down the most vocal.

After realising that Archie is the son of the man who had an affair with Hermione, Papa Poutine starts to throw his power around. When he goes outside for air, Archie overhears him talking to another man, talking about their chance to ‘remove’ Hiram.

Meanwhile, Bughead are reunited after Jughead is informed that everyone in his mobile home park is being evicted. He goes to Mayor McCoy, but learns that she’s refusing to do anything.

With the head of the Colonel Pickens still missing, the Serpents are bearing the brunt of the blame. Jughead asks Betty for her help trying to solve the mystery and save the park.

Only Jughead has one big problem: the return of Penny Peabody.

Ms. Peabody is back to help the Serpents out of their trouble. After she tells everyone about how Jughead forcibly removed her tattoo, no one is on the boy’s side. Especially FP. Penny suggests a vote: either it’s her or Jughead.

The kids all head to Veronica’s pointless confirmation (I guess this is the show’s way of pushing the weird mob angle). After, Jughead and Betty get a call about the head, thanks to the fliers they put up all over town.

The man at the junkyard who called said he saw the head – and the man who left the head. He describes a man in a Serpent jacket who is also tall – aka Tall Boy.

Jughead, FP and Betty are able to stop the vote that has pitted Jughead and Penny against each other. They bring their evidence forward, and Tall Boy easily admits that he took the head. He said Hiram Lodge told him to do it, and he did it because he simply hates Jughead.

With another mystery solved, Betty and Jughead get together again. Which hopefully this sticks for at least a few episodes. There’s only so much back-and-forth we can do. I think I have whiplash.

Back at Ronnie’s party, the confirmed girl (that’s a thing now – I’ve deemed it so) asks her father not to involve Archie anymore. But Archie himself gets deeper into the mess by telling Hiram what he overheard the night before.

Hiram makes a phone call, and Archie later learns that Papa Poutine has been found dead. Shot in the head after leaving Veronica’s party. Despite the opportunity to tell the FBI about this, Archie doesn’t because ARCHIE IS STUPID.

Thanks to her parents’ silly meddling, Veronica receives one more gift: the head of General Pickens. So was it Betty or Jughead that sent the little gift? It doesn’t seem in character for either, but who the hell knows these characters anymore?

Our last cliffhanger comes when Betty returns home after her time with Jughead. While she’s all glow-y and beam-y she quickly realises that something is wrong. When she walks into her living room, she sees Alice cleaning up the blood around the head of an unknown man. A man who was there to see Chic.

I usually love the little twists thrown in at the end of Riverdale episodes, but this week I was not as “shook” as a lot of people on the internet. I mean, hello? This guy is 101% creep. Of course bodies are going to pile up around him!

Unless we’re dished a good twist (I really hope Hal killed the unknown man, because don’t forget: this fucker is the real Black Hood!), I’m not interested. This has all the potential to turn into a cliched “we buried a body in our backyard and the police stop by for zany antics” plotline.

With Cheryl Blossom notably absent from this week’s episode, I really hope something big is planned for her for the rest of the season. We need a bit of spice here. I’m not buying into the lame mafia twist. Let’s wrap this up, folks.

One last, lingering question. How easy is it to behead a statue? Asking for a friend.

Riverdale Ep. 24 recap “Chapter Twenty-Four: The Wrestler”

Good god, Riverdale. How is it that you are managing to get everything so wrong?

This week’s episode revolves around Pickens Day, a day to celebrate General Augustus Pickens, the man who won a battle for the land that is now Riverdale.

To celebrate more (and to profit from), the Lodges and Fred Andrews approach the Mayor with the idea to host a festival to properly celebrate the day. Supposedly to get the North and Southside to get along better. With frictions continually getting worse, it sounds like a good idea on paper, but since the Lodges are behind it – it’s purely for selfish reasons.

Archie’s weird FBI agent wants him to get closer to Hiram. Knowing that Hiram hates his guts, he asks Veronica for advice. How to do that? Wrestling, of course!

Much of the episode revolves around Hiram and Archie’s relationship, or rather lack of it. Hiram, being a former wrestling god, partakes in the wrestling try-outs. While Archie has never wrestled before, he tries out anyway just to get closer to Hiram. It’s weirdly uninteresting as much of the episode just drives home what we already know:

Hiram really hates Archie for dating his daughter.

Archie gets humiliated a number of times by Hiram during the try-outs, but Archie persists. Hiram warms Archie away. They try to out run each other. It builds nothing to the story.

At the end, though, Archie decides to take on an “internship” with Hiram. Seemingly this stops Archie’s contact with the FBI. I guess Archie making the wrestling team was worth it after-all?

But even more boring than Hiram is his daughter. Veronica serves no purpose here other than to sing Duran Duran and get slighted by Josie when Josie backs out of their Pickens Day number. Hermione and Mayor McCoy increasingly dislike each other, and pit their daughters against one another. As every good mother does.

There’s also a weird subplot about white privilege. Told through the lens of a white male! One who is so hellbent on thinking he’s getting the short end of every single fucking stick.

I’m looking at you, Jughead.

During his history project, Juggie interviews Toni’s father, who is a member of the fictional Uktena tribe (uktena is the name for a horned serpent in Cherokee mythology). But while the tribe is not real, it is very much based on America’s very tragic history. Toni’s gradfather tells Jughead that General Pickens was paid by a Blossom to slaughter the Uktena people for their land.

It’s a piece of Riverdale’s history that is mostly forgotten. Toni’s grandfather started the Southside Serpents to be able to hold the remainders of his family together.

Fired up by Thomas Topaz’s story, Jughead takes this story to the Blue and Gold. Only his story, rightly pointed out by Toni, is all about Jughead’s issues with the Northside, and not about her grandfather (with the great line, “It’s not your story to tell.”). He eventually goes to apologise.

During the Pickens Day celebration, the Serpents arrive in peaceful protest. Toni gets her moment to make a statement, but before she can get anywhere, Hiram interrupts and steals away her voice.

So fuck Hiram!

The following morning, the Mayor, Sheriff Keller and the Lodges find the Pickens statue beheaded and bloodied. They all agree to blame the Serpents, without any scrap of evidence. This will certainly cement the hatred that the North and Southside feel for each other. Shame no one really cares.

In the continually boring plotline that is Chic, Betty learns from Kevin that her brother is infact a webcam boy. In an olive branch, Betty gives Chic her old laptop so he can continue his work. As his things from his hostel have been stolen, to agrees to take it.

Betty, in exchange, asks for help coming to terms with her dark side (blegh). This, of course, means a “dark education” in being a camgirl! FUCKING YAY. Only it’s not. And let’s stop sexually exploiting a minor. Also this darkness shit didn’t work in season one, and it’s even less interesting now. Go back to super sleuth Betty.

Best thing about this episode is Mrs Blossom approaching Hal for “some company.” Season 2 of Riverdale is sorely lacking in parental drama. Bring it all back, please.

Again, Riverdale fails to really do anything interesting. It’s lost is spark and personality, and it slowly sliding into a lull. I fully blame the 22-episode season format. But mostly, it doesn’t seem like Riverdale knows where it wants to go. With all four of its central characters just sliding around, it feels really hard to root for any of them anymore.

On the bright side, it was excellent to have icon Graham Greene on the show playing Thomas Topaz. Shame the show made him do things like “nod sagely” at things the entire episode.

Riverdale Ep. 23 recap “Chapter Twenty-Three: Blackboard Jungle”

Riverdale is back after a month-long break, and so are the “small town intrigues.” So it’s business as usual, whatever that “business” is anymore.

In the aftermath of the Black Hood killings, everyone seems to be moving on pretty quickly. But no one is moving faster than the Lodges. With help from Veronica and Mayor McCoy, Southside High is closed down due to the “toxins” in the basement of the school. While the students are distributed to other schools in the district, the Lodges make their move to expand their project to the school land.

The move is suspicious to a lot of people in town, namely Alice Cooper, Jughead and a new FBI agent in town.

Yes, kids, the FBI have reached Riverdale!

The agent introduces himself to Archie, and asks for his help in investigating the Lodge family. When Archie agrees, his given his first mission: find out what happened to Nick St. Clair. His “accident” appears as incidental as the sudden closure of Southside High. Though I’m not sure why the agent has asked the worst detective in Riverdale to help, but this at least gives Archie a plotline. Even if it is shit.

But Archiekins has a bit of a web to untangle. He and Fred discover that Fred’s medical bills have been paid in full. Veronica admits to her and her parents’ part in it almost immediately. Fred sells off part of his company to the Lodges in order to start paying them back – much to Archie’s dismay.

When the Serpents arrive at Riverdale, Cheryl begins to push her power around immediately. (To be fair, her mom is now a prostitute or, uh, “providing comfort”.) She threatens Archie when he doesn’t join her side. She saw his kiss with Betty, and will tell Veronica if he doesn’t help her. But he offers her something that will help them both: he will visit Nick to get a second check for Cheryl, and he will be able to question the boy.

Cheryl gives him another reason to pay Nick a visit when she lets slip that Veronica was also almost a visit to Nick’s attacks. So when Archie pays Nick a visit, he gets to get a check for Cheryl, get information for the FBI AND beat the shit out of the weasel!

All in a week’s work when you’re a spy for the FBI, am I right?

Meanwhile, Betty doesn’t have much to occupy her time now that she’s not chasing down killers. Polly surprises her one day when she finds her packing up things in her room – with no babies in the womb. Polly explains that she gave birth, but didn’t want the family to know. Betty is certain that it’s the “leaders of the farm” controlling Polly, and I hope it is. Riverdale season 3: the season of the cult, please!

Deeply hurt by her sister’s attitude, Betty decides to look up her long-lost brother. Though when she finds him, she seems to be the only one happy about it. Hal immediately warns her away while Alice looks more hesitant.

Alice, behind Hal’s back, asks Betty to go with her to meet the boy. When they do, Chic is a bit of asshole. He lives in a one bedroom room that looks fitted out for a cockroach king. But he’s understandably upset about the fact that his parents decided to keep two of their three kids, and feels like he pulled the short straw. Feeling guilty, Alice leaves.

But Betty, as ever, is determined. She returns to speak to Chic, and finds him being stabbed by his landlord. She takes Chic to the safety of the Coopers’ home, where he continues to be creepy and stare at Betty while she sleeps. As someone who doesn’t have a brother, I cannot confirm whether or not this is normal behaviour.

Jughead has a storyline here, but boy has his character been turned to shit. He’s upset that he’s not allowed to wear his Southside Serpents jacket at school. And boo hoo “I don’t want to shed my skin” or whatever.

Please, writers, sort this shit out. What the hell have you done to Jughead to make him so unlikable? Anyway, he sets up a fake gaming club to that he and his fellow Serpents have a safe space. Whatever.

The first Riverdale episode of 2018 was a solid “meh”. I just can’t make myself feel excited for this show after how hard the writers threw away the Black Hood storyline. But I’m so glad I’m not the only one that thinks this.

Towards the end of the episode, Archie admits to the FBI agent that he isn’t certain that the real Black Hood was caught. Thank fucking goodness for that. “Tales from the Darkside” and “When a Stranger Calls” were both such strong, clever episodes. I understand Riverdale trying to bring things back to the style of season 1, but things are really confused right now, I have a feeling it will be a number of episodes until we are anywhere near being back to business as usual.

Riverdale Ep. 22 “Chapter Twenty-Two: Silent Night, Deadly Night”

If I had a Riverdale Christmas wishlist it would include:

  • More Alice Cooper (more parental drama overall, please).
  • Betty/Archie/Jughead/Veronica to sort their shit out. I’m so bored with the off-and-on again relationships.
  • The return of Molly Ringwald.
  • Jughead to remember that he’s a “weirdo” not a feisty gang member.
  • And a better fucking ending than we just got in episode 22.

So. This was a bit of a mixed-bag here for a mid-season finale. Apparently it’s Christmas, which means Riverdale officially has the most confusing seasons. Didn’t Archie save Cheryl from a frozen river a few weeks ago? Why isn’t there any snow on the ground in December?

Anyway, Christmas means lots of gifts and Secret Santa. It also means no one has any money.

The Blossoms are broke. And the Andrews are definitely screwed. Thanks to terrible health coverage in America, Fred receives a bill for $86,000 from the hospital. He and Archie try selling Christmas trees just to make more money, but it’s obvious that that whopper of a medical bill will make things a little more than tight this season.

But Archie has other things to worry about, namely his ex-girlfriend. Yes the two pairs are still calling it quits despite having the dumbest reasonings ever. Jughead still wants to “protect” Betty (though it’s plenty clear that every girl in Riverdale can protect themselves) by pushing her away. And well, Veronica just wants to “be there” for Archie. Of course they all still exchange gifts they got for each other before they broke up.

At Kevin’s Secret Santa exchange, things get more awkward. Veronica gets a couples message (for $20 – sure), and Betty gets a really cute gift from Archie that makes both Veronica and Jughead sweat.

Though don’t let that Christmas spirit fool you, because there’s still a serial killer on the loose! Betty and Archie both realise that Mr Svenson (aka Joseph Conway) is gone, and has been replaced by a temporary janitor. When B&A inquire about Svenson’s whereabouts, they’re told that he usually takes this time of the year off, considering he has no family.

You know, despite the fact that he was adopted and would have a family that way. But adopted families don’t count.

The two go to Mr Svenson’s house, and he doesn’t answer. All they find is a bowl of chicken soup left by the school secretary days before. Instead of calling the police about their concern, the kids just go away.

When Betty gets home that night, Alice tells her that Betty has received a Secret Santa gift, and it’s waiting in her room. But it’s something that probably wasn’t on Betty’s wishlist: Mr Sevnson’s finger.

Jughead continues this now-tedious storyline of him and his “payment” to Penny Peabody (anyone else get her and Sweet Pea confused?). FP has shouldered the blame for it in order to protect Jughead. But since Jughead has since long ditched his copy of Perks of Being a Wallflower, he’s full-on snake now.

He keeps trying to get FP to stop the drug deliveries, but FP is determined to keep the peace with Penny. After FP’s parole office stops by, Jughead realises that he needs to take matters into his own hands. To protect his dad or whatever. Obviously no one thinks any adult can handle themselves in this stupid town.

Jughead eventually rallies the young Serpents and asks them to join him in getting rid of Penny. They eventually kidnap her and take her to Greendale where they cut off her Southside Serpent tattoo. Well, if we can have Dark Betty, I guess we also get Sadistic Jughead. GREAT!

Living the free and single life, Veronica has nothing better to do than dig up dirt on her parents. She asks them for help paying Fred’s medical bills, but they insist they can’t, and don’t want to. So when you don’t get what you want, just dig through your father’s files!

Veronica learns that her parents did buy Pop’s after all, despite lying to her about their “charitable donation” earlier. In revenge, she calls the hospital and pays of Fred’s bills with her mom’s black American Excess card. When she confronts her parents, they finally tell her to grow up (kind of), and that she needs to be all in or get over it.

So Veronica finally learns the truth about Lodge Industries. Shame is, we don’t. Which really kills any interest I had in this story line.

Speaking of killing! Archie and Betty decide to go to Sisters of Quiet Mercy, where Mr Svenson lived after his family was killed. They learn that as a boy, he pointed out the wrong man who committed murder of his family. The group of people who killed the man came in only once, and all the Sister can remember is that one of the women had white hair with a red streak.

Nana Rose Blossom.

When B&A go to speak to Nana Rose, she tells them that the man wasn’t hung, but rather buried at the foot at a tree called the Devil’s hand. Oh and the man wasn’t hung – he was buried alive. Also, Betty’s grandfather was involved.

Betty becomes upset about her grandfather’s involvement, and Archie does his best to rally her. She takes this as her moment to make a move on Archie, which doesn’t seem to be either a good or bad thing. It just happens.

The two then go to the Cooper’s house where all of Betty’s grandfather’s photos are. They eventually find one of her grandfather in front of a tree, with small mound in front of them (and somehow no one has noticed that this was weird before, huh?).

They realise that the tree is the one in Pickens Park. When they arrive, they find a head stone with Conway’s name on it. They begin to dig and eventually find a coffin, only to discover no one is inside.

Then the Black Hood arrives. He holds the kids up at gunpoint, and demands that Archie get into the coffin. Archie complies, but then Betty is ordered to close the cover and start to bury Archie herself.

In the nick of time, the police arrive, successfully distracting the Black Hood long enough that Betty can hit him with the shovel. She gets Archie out, but the BH is already running away. Thankfully, the fool has dropped the gun. Archie and Betty corner the Black Hood at a bridge, that the Black Hood is about to jump off of.

Before Archie can shoot the Black Hood, Sheriff Keller does. With the Black Hood dead, Betty removes the hood, and learns that all along, the Black Hood was Mr Svenson.

Yes fucking really.

Later, then the gang is all together talking about the events, they all seem to easily believe that Mr Svenson was completely capable of being the Black Hood despite only being a character for about three episodes.

If there is one thing I have learned from reading a lot of mystery novels it’s this: never, EVER choose a small side character as your culprit – especially if they show up late in the book.

Well, you know, janitors! They’re everywhere! They see everything! He was repenting for his own sins! That totally explains away the green eyes, the Nancy Drew reference, AND EVERY OTHER CLUE GIVEN TO US ALL SEASON.


There’s some shit after this about exchanging gifts, but I could care less. Veronica and Archie are together again after Veronica realises she’s jealous of Betty actually loves Archies.

Betty then burns her evidence from the case, but not her own black hood because she’s dark. Ooooh. You know what they say, “When one because a stripper, it’s a slippery path to becoming a serial killer.”


Cheryl has a really weird subplot this episode. But she was nuts and that’s how we like her best. She goes on a Christmas rampage, buying a tree without her mother’s permission. She then tells her mother that Mrs Blossom needs a job, probably from the Lodges by 2018. Then she catches her mom with the Christmas tree salesman. Because of course.

So the Black Hood is Mr Svenson? Well, I hardly believe it. Or maybe I just don’t want to believe it. The first season absolutely stuck the landing with the reveal of Jason’s demise, and I have complete confidence that the writers would be able to do the same thing with the Black Hood.

My theory is, is that the Black Hood has been making Mr Svenson be his puppet. We’ve never seen the BH not in total control. Why would he drop his guard now? Wouldn’t he even consider that Betty and/or Archie would have called the police?

Either way, this mystery definitely isn’t over. Whether Svenson was the Black Hood or not, there’s clearly a bigger problem on the horizon: the Riverdale Reaper.

I for one am looking forward to a break from Riverdale. The show will return in the third week of January (the 17th in the US, the 18th internationally on Netflix).