The Dorm that Dripped Blood has the same issue that many of these holiday movies have: they really have nothing to do with the holidays. I’m not talking about the plot necessarily, but they sort of use it as a passing excuse instead of a real setting or ambiance.

This is often a bigger mistake than you’d think. For example, would the original Black Christmas be as eerie if it didn’t have the terror played against the cheery, bright lights of Christmas? Christmas Evil is terrifying (and silly) because of Harry’s plotting…in a Santa suit.

This 1982 slasher plays it safe it almost every way. It holds a prestigious 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, but I think even saying that is over-selling it.  The Dorm that Dripped Blood is by no means the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It’s just one of the more unremarkable.

Joanne is a young college student spending part of the Christmas holidays at school. Together with four of her friends, they begin to clear out a dorm that’s to be demolished (or refurbished…?).

Joanne’s in charge, which is to the annoyance of her boyfriend Tim, who abandoned her to go skiing. Despite his pleas, she stays behind and begins business after the other students leave. The team of five are meant to be the only people on campus. But it’s clear that someone else is lurking about.

One of the girls, Debbie, takes off early one day. But before she can head off to see Grandma, she and both of her parents are murdered by an unseen person.

Patty, another of Joanne’s group, spots a lurker named John Hemmit. Considering that the five are meant to be the only on campus, they all become unsettled. Why they care about who’s on campus is beyond me. But I’m not the dictator here.

Despite the creepy man about, the kids begin to enjoy the free time of the Christmas break. They play pool, get stalked and sell old desks!

One night, the handyman for the building is killed by his own missing drill. Then someone ruins the Christmas dinner that the kids had cooked (or I assume it was meant to be Christmas dinner – it was really a dimly lit table in the middle of a terrifying warehouse). Somehow, ruining the Christmas dinner is one of the most unsettling things that could happen.

The girls begin to hear things on the roof and the power dies on them. One boy, Brian, is inevitably killed. Then Patty is attacked. Then Craig pretends he’s been attacked.

Poor Joanne just sort of stands by unharmed. But when ol’ John Hemmit makes an appearance, she seems convinced that he’s killed all her friends. In fairness, he keeps saying he wants to “take her away” and “get her out”. But lo and behold, he’s actually trying to save her – not killer her!

It’s Craig who is the killer! Why? Because he likes you.

Turns out Craig is head-over-heels for Joanne. No idea if this was something hinted at throughout the movie. Either it wasn’t, or I just really checked out early on.

But it’s too late when Joanne realises that Craig is crazy because she’s already killed John Hemmit. But Craig also realises something: Joanne can’t live. So he begins to chase her about with 20 minutes left in this poorly-lit movie.

The guy Joanne sold tables to or whatever shows up to save her. He and Craig get into a scuffle. When the police arrive, they see the desk enthusiast has the upper hand. For some reason, they seem to believe that this means he’s the killer. The promptly shoot him even though Craig pulls out a gun.

The police leave and Craig throws Joanne’s body in the incinerator.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Like I said before, The Dorm that Dripped Blood is not really, really horrible. It’s unfortunately not even fun horrible. Just boring and incredibly standard fare.

The worst part is easily the possessiveness of Craig’s character. I mean, why didn’t he just ask Joanne out? Maybe I’m old fashioned. Or, again, maybe I really wasn’t paying attention. Probably the latter.

But despite that, it sort of sucks that Craig wins in the end. “Hi girl, I like you so much that I’m going to throw your body onto the flames while you’re still alive! Text me later!”

As with last week’s film, this movie definitely falls in the “skip” category. There are a lot better Christmas slashers to be spending your time with. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to watch one before 2018 is over.