Wicked Wednesday

Wicked Wednesday: Microwave Massacre (1983)

Boy, what an age to be alive. Move over, Aristotle. Piss off, da Vinci. We’ve got this shit in the modern era, and you better believe we let it stay alive.

I really hated Microwave Massacre. It’s Massacre is meant to be a black comedy, but I’m afraid most of the humour is lost to me.

Donald (Jackie Vernon) is a construction worker who hates the meals his wife, May, makes him. She’s into ‘gourmet’ food. Instead of the simple bologna and cheese sandwich that he’s desperate for, she makes him unusual concoctions like a crab sandwich, made with an entire crab – claws, shells and all.

Part of May’s inspiration is her new microwave oven. It’s fucking huge and she loves cooking with it. But all dumb-ass Donald does is moan about her cooking to his coworkers, Roosevelt and Phillips.

Donny begins dreaming about killing his wife. In addition to her cooking, his frustration comes from his lack of sex. Though whether or not that’s May’s fault is questionable.

After coming home drunk one night, Donald bludgeons May to death with a pepper grinder after she refuses to make him a bologna and cheese sandwich. I just want to point out that she DID make him a meal. He’s too lazy to make his own, and too big of an ass to appreciate the fact that she went through the effort for him.

Donald is the real villain here, kids.

The next morning, he begins complaining that May hasn’t made him his breakfast or packed him his lunch. Then he finds May’s body in the microwave and gleefully remembers that he’s murdered his wife.

He saws the lady up and wraps her in tin foil, storing her body in the freezer. When he accidentally takes a bite of her hand for a midnight snack, he realises that he actually enjoyed eating his wife. He brings in May’s body parts to feed to his friends at work.

Having a taste for flesh (har, har), Donald picks up a prostitute who has been kicked out of the bar he frequents. Although he’s initially hesitant to have sex with her, he eventually finds his ‘appetite’ and goes through with it – then smothers her with a pillow.

He brings several women home to have sex with then kill, including a woman dressed as a chicken. When he admits to his shrink that he needs to ‘eat’ his women he has sex with, the man congratulates Donald on giving the women he’s with pleasure.

But not everything is so easy for our Donald. He’s is having increasing heart problems, due to his weight. And when May’s sister arrives at his door, he has no choice other than to tie her up, put her in his closet, and gag her with a baguette.

One night, Donald’s friends from work arrive to pick him up for a night out. When they enter his house, they find Donald on the floor, dead from an apparent heart attack. They then discover the body parts stored in the microwave oven, and realise what tasty treats they’ve really been eating.

Oh and the eyes on May’s shrivelled corpse-head glow.

Ugh.

Donald deserved a much worse ending than he got, but such is the justice of the world. I was denied seeing the man’s demise on screen. Why would you deprive me of that? 

If anything, Microwave Massacre is a lot more boring than its reputation would make you imagine. If this was 15 minutes long, maybe I’d be sold. But mostly this was dragged out with the same repetitive gags. Plus the misogyny wasn’t very funny. Perhaps if it decided to do something semi-clever, I’d think differently.

But I guess if we can all agree on one thing it’s this: life is a lot easier if you learn to make your own fucking sandwich.

Wicked Wednesday: Innsmouth (2015)

I’ve had a real nightmare with short films as of late. I’m swearing them off for a while, kids, because I really can’t handle much more of this crap.

Innsmouth should be a familiar name to fans of HP Lovecraft. It’s a fictional town that appears in his works, but most prominently, The Shadow Over Innsmouth. I’m not into Lovecraft at all, but I can tell you that this short film really doesn’t have anything in common with Lovecraft’s stories other than wink-wink, nudge-nudge references.

Detective Olmstead is a young detective investigating the death of a young woman. According to a fellow investigator, the body wasn’t in the kill scene, but rather was put there. They then find a number of odd spores/beads on the woman’s back. The candies really accent the large bite taken out of her neck.

During her investigation, Olmstead finds a picture of the victim with another woman and the word “Innsmouth” on the back. Her instincts tell her that’s the direction she needs to go, and after her chief’s approval, she drives to the town.

She doesn’t get very far, though, before a goth in a cape starts stalking her. But before Olmstead can get away, she’s surprised and injected in the neck with a sedative.

When the detective wakes up, she finds herself in a lavishly decorated room. One one introduces herself as Alice Marsh, the daughter of the town’s founder. This news shakes Olmstead up, as Innsmouth was established in 1643.  But after the detective is forced to drink of Marsh’s cup, she becomes much more compliant.

The immortal woman leads Olmstead upstairs and they get into a bath together. Olmstead begins to bathe Marsh, but then Marsh decides to unveil her eye-vagina before gouging out Olmstead’s neck.

The detective’s body is later found by a pool.

And, well, this is the point where I throw up my hands and go “ta-da”. This is yet another story where the eternal, beautiful woman ends up in a photograph with each of her victims. Why is this a trope in movies? It really doesn’t make any sense. It’s just a lazy way of illustrating that the bitch is old but has evaded wrinkles.

Just skip Innsmouth. I can’t even be bothered to write about it, so please don’t bother to watch it.

 

Wicked Wednesday: Hell Night (1981)

Hell Night has long been on my to-watch list, but has somehow always been put on the back burner. But after watching this video, everything that I already knew was confirmed: sororities are scary as hell.

Thankfully, this 1981 slasher is much more tolerable than the real deal. Actually, I rather enjoyed the heck out of this movie.

Marti (Linda Blair) is one of the newest pledges to a sorority on campus. She’s joining another girl, Denise, and two boys from Alpha Sigma Rho for an initiation night. Or, as the president Peter calls it, Hell Night.

For their initiation, the four kids have to “guard” Garth Manor. The manor was abandoned after a man killed his family and then hung himself. The four children of Raymond Garth were all deformed and brought him shame. But the body of the youngest child, Andrew, was never found by police. Rumour is, Andrew still is somewhere in the house.

The four initiates are left at the gates and locked in with a padlock. Peter tells them that the only way they can get out is by shooting the lock with the gun he’s supplied or to climb over the tall fence, but given the gate’s height and sure-to-impale spikes on top, it’s not exactly a realist option of escape.

So the four kids settle in for the night, awaiting the dawn so that they can leave. Denise immediately gets her own party started by introducing quaaludes and whiskey into the mix. Surfer boy Seth is immediately into it (or, in his words, “radical”) and the two pair off up to a bedroom to get better acquainted.

Without their counterparts, Marti and Jeff (played by the gorgeous Peter Barton) are left with each other to bond.  Unbeknownst to the group, three of the frat members are preparing to torment them.

Marti and the other three are startled when they hear a girl’s screaming and the moaning of a ghost. The boys quickly suss out that there are speakers wired up throughout the house and they dismantle one of them.

Peter realises that one of his pranks is over and sends out May, a sorority sister, out to start the distraction for their next joke. She’s angry, but eventually relents and beings to walk away. But before she can get very far, she’s grabbed by a pair of hairy arms reaching up from a vent, and is dragged down before being beheaded.

Peter’s friend Scott follows soon after and has his neck snapped while he’s setting up a prank on the rooftop. Peter is oblivious to his friends’ absence and continues to terrorise the four in the house (including a hilarious scene with Denise checking herself out in a mirror).

The fraternity president eventually realises something is amiss and begins to look for Scott and May, he finds Scott first – or what’s left of him. Startled by his friend’s corpse, Peter tries to run away, and runs into a hedge maze. But he’s soon caught up to by the assailant and killed with a scythe.

With the outdoor students gone, the killer turns his attention to the four inside. Denise goes missing while Seth goes to the toilet. When he pulls back the bedsheets, he finds May’s head in his bed. When he screams, Jeff and Marti run to his aid, and after seeing the head as well – all three run to the gates.

But after firing the gun, Seth realises that the gun they’ve been given is filled with blanks. Seth braves the gate and manages to climb over it relatively unscathed. He promises to go to the police and bring back help for his friends. Despite doing the stupid thing and going to the frat house first, he eventually goes to the station but is turned away.

No worries, though. He steals a gun.

Marti and Jeff are left to fend for themselves and look for Denise. They find Scott’s body hanging by the window and realise that they are probably going to die. They are attacked by a figure under a rug, but the person escaped by dropping down through a trap door. Reluctantly, the two kids follow.

In the tunnels, they find Denise’s body at a dinner table full of corpses that are, unfortunately, not really explained. I think it’s meant to be the Garths, but considering the story told about the bodies being found and carried away, I’m not too sure.

Any way. Denise is dead. But Seth is on his way with a stolen vehicle and a stolen gun! He’s attacked by the figure, but he manages to shoot him. Doesn’t matter, because this person (who is definitely the missing child, Andrew) is made of the same magic as Jason Voorhees, he survives and kills Seth in his moment of victory.

Jeff and Marti try to escape as well. Marti climbs up onto the roof top out through a window, but Andrew helps Jeff out by simply throwing him out the window to his certain death. It is slightly sad that Marti + Jeff doesn’t last, but this is a horror film and all tropes must be adhered to.

The final girl makes her way into the hedge maze where Peter was killed. She finds his corpse and manages to get the gate keys out of his hands. She unlocks the gate and gets into Seth’s stolen car. But she panics too much and drives INTO the gate (silly cow). When she does finally manage to start her escape, she’s attacked by Andrew.

She has the bright idea to drive the car straight into the broken gate, and manages to impale Andrew onto the top. She passes out and wakes up at dawn to see Andrew still dead. She walks away dazed, and into the sunset (probably).

To say that Hell Night is particularly unique or fresh is probably selling it a bit too much, but it does feel like it’s different. The setting and costumes (the party is done in fancy dress/Halloween costume style) is very cool and makes the film a touch more atmospheric.

I do love seeing Blair in things. She’s really great, even if she was nominated for a Razzie for worst actress.

In the realm of sorority school slashers, Hell Night stands above most. It’s a bit silly, but it still manages a few good scares. In Seth’s catchphrase, I think this movie is rather radical.

Wicked Wednesday: The Room at the Top of the Stairs (2010)

I have been weirdly underwhelmed by short films at the moment. After a crazy weekend of comic con, I really just wanted to watch something short and satisfying – The Room At the Top of the Stairs only fulfilled one of these requirements.

It’s another one of those “let’s keep it mysterious by explaining zero things” kinds of stories. And I’m reeeeally getting ill on them now.

The Room at the Top of the Stairs is the story of a girl (who isn’t given a name) who moves into a new flat-share with three roommates. They’re all artsy and ‘free spirited’. Three paintings of a girl hang on one of the walls.

When the Girl first sees her room, she notices nails on the wall. She’s told that their former roommate, Carmen, enjoyed nailing everything to a wall. The Girl is later told more about Carmen, and it’s slowly revealed that Carmen was a bit of a problem to the other three roommates.

The roommates have a party that night, and the Girl eventually joins them. They share more stories about the mysterious Carmen – who apparently had one incident involving a pair of scissors. But it’s pretty clear that The Girl doesn’t fit in. Her tries to share her own stories, but they are mostly lame and her roommates have no idea how to react to her.

Feeling slighted, the Girl returns to her room to drink wine and work on her art alone. During the night, her posters begin to fall off the wall. But the wine convinces her to tear them all off herself. She begins to join the lines between the nails together, forming a geometrical pattern on the wall.

The next day a girl, presumably Carmen, tries to make her way into the house and her roommates push her back out. After the incident, the three roommates decide to go out, and the Girl declines the invite to join them. She later hears a noise and discovers a girl in one of the bedrooms.

The girl, Carmen, is standing over a bed with a sheep’s heart on it. It’s clearly her way to freak out the roommates she despises so much. Carmen sees the Girl wearing a maroon dress and demands she takes it off (not sure why the dress thing is such a big deal, but neither will you – there’s no explanation).

But the Girl refuses to take off the dress, takes a bite of the heart and spits it out, then offers to help Carmen clean up the mess she’s made.

While in the bathroom, the Girl tries dragging the fan towards the bathroom and realises the cord doesn’t stretch to the tub. The night before, she was told a story that Carmen had threatened to drop the heater into the bathtub while one of the roommates was in the tub. Not sure if the short cord was supposed to imply that the Girl couldn’t kill Carmen or that the stories about Carmen were actually a lie.

But don’t worry. There will be no answers.

Carmen eventually leaves and the Girl decides to hang up her own paintings in place of Carmen’s. Her roommates see them and compliment the work, saying the pieces were a lot better than what had been there before. The Girl smiles and leaves. Then the roommates look into her room, and their looks change to one of disgust.

But you don’t see what’s in that room. No, my friends.

I didn’t get any of it. Not a thing. And I suppose there could have been something I missed. Maybe I’m not smart enough, but watching movies should be hard.

Nothing was properly explained. The dress, the tub, what the hell was happening to the girls. Were they both just kindred souls of crazy? The stories that are tackled in a short film need to be appropriate. These are bite-sized minutes of our lives that should really be a full arc. Unfortunately, The Room at the Top of the Stairs was probably a little bit too ambitious. It may have served better fleshed out and delivered as a full-length film.

Wicked Wednesday: Sweet, Sweet Lonely Girl (2017)

I don’t often write about contemporary horror films on my blog. There’s a multitude of reasons, but mostly – I just don’t care for a vast majority of them. Though if we’re being totally honest, I don’t think the last slew of forgettable 80’s slashers I’ve been watching are exactly top-notch either.

But I always feel more guilty disliking a new film versus a 1983 film that has already made it’s money. When a new horror film is great, I love screaming about it from the hilltops.

So when I saw there was a new film on Shudder that was likened to Ti West’s The House of the Devil (which is a personal favourite), I was rather excited. Unfortunately, Sweet, Sweet Lonely Girl is nothing like House of the Devil.

Sweet, Sweet Lonely Girl is the story of Adele, a girl who has moved to a town to take care of her elderly aunt with agoraphobia. Adele is quiet and meek, but mostly just bored. It’s not very helpful that her aunt rarely speaks to her, even when Adele mentions seeing a photograph of her aunt in her younger days.

Her Aunt Dora leaves her notes that she slides under the door. Adele must leave her aunt’s meals at the door and follow whatever the notes tell her to do. She’s also in charge of the cash.

While shopping in the grocery store one day, Adele spots a girl testing out pomegranates and flirting with the stock boy. Adele is immediately smitten. She buys the fruit and tries it for herself.

By chance, the two girls meet again when Adele goes to a pizza parlor and the mysterious girl offers to buy her a slice. The girl introduces herself as Beth. She’s the cliched “worldly girl” that appears in these movies. She wears berets! She knows a lot about Victorian history! She orders Manhattans! She doesn’t care what other people think!

Adele can’t see through this shit and I really don’t feel sorry for her.

Beth stops by Aunt Dora’s home one day during her run and Adele reluctantly lets her new friend inside the house. The two try on dresses that they find in the basement and, you know, bond!

But Beth’s bad influence is quick. Adele is constantly stealing money from her aunt, who refuses to give her an advance, and is coaxed into buying a ‘natural remedy’ instead of Dora’s expensive heart medication. Then they are caught spying on Dora when they slide a mirror under her door. It was these two scenes that made me decide that I really disliked Adele. A lot. Sweet, sweet my ass.

Adele leaves her sickly aunt behind to go with Beth to a cabin. They hang out on the beach and take pills. Beth admits to Adele that she had an abortion after having unprotected sex with a man while on quaaludes. After that, they take some gravestone rubbings. Spooky.

Despite the fact that the two kissed earlier, Adele is later rejected by her Beth. Absolutely crushed, Adele takes Beth’s pills and takes a cab back to Aunt Dora’s home. But, unsurprisingly, Aunt Dora is already dead because that’s what you get for playing pharmacist.

Aunt Dora’s death hardly phases Adele. She immediately starts going through her aunt’s things. She finds a ring and goes to take it to Beth with an attached apology note, but when Adele arrives at Beth’s flat, she discovers that there’s a naked man in Beth’s bed! Shock, horror (because you didn’t see that coming when you’re into a “worldly girl”).

Distraught (though not about her dead aunt), Adele begins to popping Beth’s pills like they’re going out of date. She begins to have hallucinations of her aunt in her rocking chair. She begins to start pawning off her aunt’s things. She buys a new outfit and then has love-less sex with a random man at a bar.

Then on one, dark stormy night – shit begins to go down. And it’s pretty standard: Adele finds that her childhood toy has been moved. Then she discovers that the front door has been left open, and – surprise – Beth is there when she turns around.

But Beth isn’t quite herself. Adele panics when the bell that her aunt used to ring for service keeps going off. She runs into the basement, sensing that something isn’t quite right (or its all those drugs). The sweet, sweet lonely girl attempts to hide, but is eventually caught by the being that is following her. And what that thing is, we’re never really explained.

And the ending, well, I won’t spoil it, but I think this was inevitable as soon as Adele picked up that stupid photograph.

Maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention (though I’m pretty certain I was), but a lot of things weren’t explained. Like who was the random old lady that gave Beth flowers at the cemetery? Was it from an admirer? Why even include that? What the hell is Beth’s deal? Has she been going this for centuries? Is she from the Victorian era? Why does she talk about the Victorian era so much when the rest of the film ignores it and has the girls dress up in flapper dresses?

Why does anything matter?

Why did I watch this movie?

I guess there’s nothing seriously wrong with Sweet, Sweey Lonely Girl other than I wish it actually answered something. It’s not the greatest talent in the world to write something open-ended without explanation. There is no backstory built into the film, and I honestly think that this is a case where a little less mystery would have paid off. But the film is really stunning and probably worth watching for that alone.

Sweet, Sweet Lonely Girl is now streaming exclusively on Shudder.

Wicked Wednesday: The Unseen (1980)

A lot of movies are forgettable. You watch them, shrug, carry on with your day then aren’t really able to explain what you watched on three hours ago to your friends. The Unseen is one of those special, forgettable films that makes me roll my eyes to the heavens asking why I’m cursed to waste my life watching/writing about these things.

Now on paper, The Unseen  sounds promising. It stars Sydney Lassick and Barbara Bach. It was directed by a Friday the 13th director (Danny Steinmann, Part V). It’s about incest, secret babies and journalists. But really, it’s so dull and really long-winded that I mostly feel ambivalent about writing about it.

Jennifer is a news reporter for a television station, out covering a festival called Solvang with her sister Karen and their friend Vicki. When the girls arrive in town, they are told that there’s been a mix-up and that they don’t have a room booked at the hotel in town. And since the festival is so popular, there are no rooms available at any hotel in town.

So the three women are forced to go out of town to look for lodgings. They stop at a museum, thinking it is a hotel. But the man inside, Ernest, is played by Lassick so is most definitely going to be a creep. He explains to Jennifer the situation at the museum, and eventually offers her and her friends a room at his own home.

When the girls arrive at the large farmhouse, Ernest introduces them to his wife, Virginia. She’s a wisp of a woman, and very distraught by the girls’ arrival.

Ernest heads out back to the museum after Jennifer and Karen go back to the festival. Vicki stays behind as she’s feeling unwell. This makes the perfect opportunity to kill someone off! After getting into bed for a rest, something reaches out of the floor vent and grabs her. She struggles again it, but it pulled down the vent. But the grate slams down on her neck.

While at the parade, Jennifer’s ex-boyfriend, Tony, shows up. This is easily the most confusing part of the movie. He’s mad that she left him without giving them a chance to work things out, but I’m also pretty certain she accuses him of beating her? Either way, Tony sucks. But Karen likes him and convinces her sister to stay behind in the town and work things out.

It turns out that Jennifer is pregnant, and plans to abort the baby because Tony hurt his knee and can no longer work? Again, I mostly don’t care. Point is: babies.

Meanwhile, Ernest is hanging out at the museum. A man begins to speak to him. It’s revealed that the almighty voice is from Ernest’s dead father. Oh and Virginia’s. They’re brother and sister. In his delusion, Ernest hears his father scold him for raping his poor sister (who is not the sharpest). When the dad mentions ‘taking care’ of the situation, Ernest recalls killing his father.

With Vicki out of the way, that clears the floor for Karen to get killed when she returns to the home. She drops a bowl of fruit and begins to pick it up, but her scarf if grabbed and pulled down into the vent, and her head slammed against the grate.

Virginia finds both of the girls and goes into shock. She tells Ernest, and he says they need to take care of the bodies to protect ‘Junior’ and get rid of Jennifer when she returns to the house.

Jennifer is dropped off by an angry Tony and left alone. She goes into the empty house and goes into the basement when she hears Ernest calling for her. She agrees to help him, but is then locked in the basement.

She begins to look for a way out, but instead finds the corpses of Karen and Vicki partially buried. She begins to panic and scream when something moves in the piles of crap on the floor. Jennifer feels even more panicked when she sees Junior. He’s a big lump of a boy, but he mostly just wants to play with her.

But Jennifer is kind of a bitch. She just panics and cries instead of appropriately assessing the situation. I suppose it’s because he killed her friends. Whatever.

Junior’s parents hear Jennifer’s screams and assume Junior is killing her. When Ernest goes to check, he finds her scooting away. He begins to strangle her with his belt, but she’s saved by Virginia. Then it’s Virginia’s turn to get strangled, but her son sees her in trouble and he pushes Ernest away.

Then Ernest attacks Junior (boy this is a fun movie) and gives his son a board-with-a-nail to the head. Believing he’s taken care of both his sister and his son, Ernest goes to look for Virginia. She’s made the silly idea of crawling into the chicken coop (she twisted her ankle or something so she can’t walk, apparently). He finds her and the scuffle over the ax.

Jen tries her best to get away, and it seems like things are about to end when Tony shows up! Only Tony is a dipshit and falls (remember that all-important knee injury). But don’t worry, Virginia FINALLY ends shit by shooting Ernest in the chest before he can ax Jennifer in the skull.

Like a boss, Virginia returns into her home. She returns to sooth her dying boy while the world’s worst couple make their escape.

The Unseen isn’t a bad movie, but I almost wish it was. Sometimes it’s better to make a statement than to hardly make a mark at all. I did enjoy that Virginia ends up being the real hero of the film. She had clearly been abused by her brother most of her life, and when she finally gets her revenge – you can’t help but cheering for her.

That being said, Jennifer is not that great. Mostly because her idiotic relationship with Tony ruins her character. All of the background about the abortion and the knee-injury is mostly just padding to get the film get to that 90-minute-mark.

The film does a lot of telling instead of showing. That goes down to a poor script. When the reveal happens that Virginia and Ernest are siblings, and have a child – it should be bigger. Instead a decision was made to have Sydney Lassick sit in a chair and talk to himself for a good five-minutes. It’s one of the more stranger story-telling devices I’ve seen in a film. And it really doesn’t work.

I wouldn’t tell anyone not to watch this film, but boy. You could really spend your time better elsewhere.

Wicked Wednesday: Mother’s Day (1980)

I bought the 88 Films Blu-Ray release of Mother’s Day nearly a year ago and didn’t watch it until I was prepping it for the blog. I thought to myself, “Save it for next year’s mother’s day!” You know, to make things “contemporary”. I think this is what we call stupidity and (maybe, hopefully) dedication.

Mother’s Day was one of Troma Film’s first horror film. Prior, the company mostly focused on comedy. It was directed, co-written and co-produced by Lloyd Kaufman’s brother, Charles.

After a hippie initiation (or a growth opportunity graduation), a young couple accept a ride home offered by an elderly, kind lady. On the drive, the couple seem to have sinister intentions to kill off the woman. But the car breaks down. Before the couple can follow through with their plan, a pair of men attack. One beheads the boyfriend while the other grabs the girl and pulls her out of the car.

But the old woman gets to the girl first and strangles her to death. This is Mother – and she’s a total psycho.

In LA, Chicago and New York three girls (Trina, Abbey and Jackie) are getting prepared for their annual Rat Pack reunion. The former college roommates are going camping in the woods together. A head of them are plans for fishing, getting high and general reminiscing. Along the way, of course, they stop at a gas station where they’re warned off by a Harbinger of Doom. Nevertheless, the girls continue.

It initially seems to go as planned. They tell pointless stories (included with full flashback), fish, play stupid jokes on each other. But on their second night, they are kidnapped in their sleeping bags by the two men from the beginning.

Ike and Addley are Mother’s gross sons. They take their new girls to Mother’s cabin in the woods.

Trina and Abbey are strapped to gym equipment in an upstairs room while Jackie is brought outside to help the boys reenact scenes for their mom. After Ike grabs the camera, Addley beats Jackie and rapes her.

The next morning, Trina and Abbey are untied before the boys go out to exercise under Mother’s watchful eye. While the boys are occupied, Trina coaxes her friend to try and escape the inbred family.

Abbey lowers Trina down out the window of their room in a sleeping bag. They’re nearly caught when Addley steps under and doesn’t notice the bright orange bag above him. Once Trina finally reaches the ground, she lets Abbey out of the room and the two search for Jackie.

They discover a closet full of body parts and corpses in the boys’ bedroom, and eventually discover Jackie in a dresser drawer. The two girls attempt to make an escape with Jackie’s near-lifeless body and are caught by the brothers. But Ike and Addley let the girls go when they run to their mother screaming. Mother is in a panic, saying that she saw her sister, Queenie, lurking int he woods.

With their opportunity of escape handed to them, the girls make a run into the woods. Trina leaves the other two behind to grab the car, but when she finds it, it’s wreaked. She is then chased through the woods by Ike, who is on the girls’ trail.

Before Trina finds the girls again, Jackie dies of her wounds. But while Trina begins to feel like giving up, Abbey’s character begins to grow. For much of the film, she comes off as the weaker, more shy one. She insists that they need to take their revenge against the family. Or in her own words, “We’ll get those bastards.”

Meanwhile, at the house, Mother and Addley are hanging out. It’s revealed the Mother mostly keeps the boys around to protect her against Queenie. She’s convinced her sister is in the woods, despite being told she was shot. She tells Addley that she knows her sister is alive. She even has seen her eat wild animals.

By the morning, the two remaining girls are ready to take on Mother and her boys. They grab their weapons and carry Jackie’s corpse with them to the house. After a pep talk, the girls burst into the house and attack Addley.

The girls attack Addley with an axe and suffocate him. While trying to get rid of his corpse, Ike spots them and begins to strangle Trina. But Abbey steps in to help by pouring Draino down Ike’s throat. The girls then drop a television on his head and Trina finishes him off with an electric kitchen knife.

The last step is killing off Mother, whose dear boys only wanted to make her proud. Abbey suffocates Mother with a giant pair of inflatable tits while screaming at her, or rather her own mother – who she has to live with and despises.

With the family dead, the girls bury Jackie’s body. They begin to walk to civilization when Queenie leaps out at them, leaving the girls’ fates unknown.

None of Mother’s Day was too surprising. Much of it contains the building blocks to what became quintessential Troma. But much more cookie cutter than its predecessors.

As I get older, I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable with rape scenes (which are already meant to be uncomfortable to begin with). Jackie’s rape sort of soured the movie for me, which is strange because the film is quite satirical. I did love Abbey’s character development and having a group of friends at the centre of the film.

Mother’s Day is a bit more memorable than the average slasher, mostly because of Mother.

And speaking of mothers… American readers, Mother’s Day is this Sunday. Let this be your reminder. British readers, if you “just remembered” – you’re too damn late. My mom has always been this sort of Mother’s Day kind of mother versus a Troma kind of mom. I guess after watching this film, I count myself lucky.