I think I’m supposed to care about what happened in this episode but the ending of “The Lost Weekend” has got me so excited and giddy I think I’ve forgotten everything else that happened the 40 minutes before.

Cause, guys, SHE’S HERE!

Can I get a fuck yeah for Molly Ringwald FINALLY rocking up in Riverdale? Since I saw the casting announcement months ago, I have been awaiting the Queen’s arrival. And she’s here! (Looking super fab, by the way).

As I said last week, I think I’m more invested in the lives of the adults at this point (the majority of the main parent cast includes so many of my favourite actors), but this week is was mostly about the kids. Namely Jughead.

Archie reveals to Betty that it’s her boyfriend’s birthday coming up. Jughead is one of those people who hates having his birthday celebrated and tries to keep it a secret. Every year he goes to the double feature at the cinema with Archie. But this year, plans change when Juggie goes with Betty to see the John Landis films (American Werewolf in London to represent the Jughead The Hunger one-shot and Animal House to represent what happens later in the show).

Betty, sweet Betty, has different plans in mind for Jughead. She and the gang decide to throw him a surprise party. Initially Archie thinks it’s a bad idea, but when he spots his now ex-girlfriend Valerie across the cafeteria, he agrees.

Archie is dealing with a lot more than a broken heart. Fred is gone for the weekend to finalise the divorce with his wife. Archie is understandably upset, despite the fact that his mom has been gone already for over two years.

Betty and Archie finally tell Veronica what Archie learned at the Blossoms’ house. They tell her that it was Clifford Blossom who was responsible for Hiram Lodge being arrested and jailed. Veronica tells her mom this information after she discovers that the Blossoms paid a large payment to Lodge Industries and had for nearly 75 years, but Hermione tells her daughter to keep the information quiet.

Obviously Veronica doesn’t listen because Veronica does what she wants. First, she takes down Cheryl Blossom in a dance off to be the lead dancer for the Vixens’ homecoming routine. Neither girl is very good, but Veronica is a clear winner (and a favourite with her teammates). After, Veronica goes to her father’s lawyers. Her lawyer gives her a letter from her father that essentially threatens Veronica into testifying to her father’s character or he’ll implement Hermione.

So V did a great job at putting all the targets on her back. After being dethroned on the Vixens, Cheryl teams up with the odious Chuck, who is now back at school after his long suspension. He is hellbent on destroying Betty after he was humiliated and essentially destroyed by her hands.

On the day of Jughead’s birthday, everything begins as he expects. At the movies, he asks Betty what happened with Chuck but she successfully evades answering him. When the couple arrives at the Andrews’ house, he’s given his not-so-great surprise. Archie is already drunk and the rest of the crew he still doesn’t consider his friends.

While Betty and Jughead argue about her present for him, Cheryl arrives with two kegs and what looks like half of the high school student body. Drunk, eager Archie immediately lets the crowd in. But the party, shockingly, goes horribly wrong.

Archie gets a drink in his face when he tries to talk to Valerie. Jughead hurts Betty by telling her he doesn’t want to be one of her “projects”. Cheryl horrifies everyone by making them play “Secrets and Sins”. It goes just about as excruciating as you (and Kevin) would hope. Veronica incredibly accuses Cheryl of twincest (it’s as brilliant as it sounds). Chuck tells everyone about Betty’s dark side. And finally everyone learns about Archie and Ms Grundy.

But when Chuck begins to tell everyone about Betty, Jughead punches him and a fight breaks out. It’s stopped by FP, who was there on the insistence of Betty. He throws all the kids out. When he sees Jughead heading away as well, he stops his son and tells him not to make a mistake with Betty. And the boy takes his dad’s advice, and the couple reconcile.

Oh and Veronica and Archie FINALLY get together. But that’s probably not-so-great for Veronica and Betty’s friendship. Especially when V decides to keep things a secret from her friend. She goes to Betty the next day and asks to help their team investigate Jason’s death. She thinks her father could actually be involved. Mostly like to do with FP and their constant shady business together.

And what crazy sort of stuff was Alice Cooper up to this episode? I feel like even if she’s not essential to the plotline, we need to talk about her. She’s now the adviser to the Blue & Gold Riverdale High newspaper. Oh and apparently she was from the Southside! She and FP obviously have some sort of history. When they bump into each other while the kids leave the party, FP remarks that she can move to wherever she wants, but she’ll always be a snake.

Then Queen Ringwald arrives back in Riverdale with Fred. What does that mean for Archie and his dad? Judging by the preview for next week’s trailer, it doesn’t look like she’s there to stay. But for our sakes, I hope she’s around plenty.

We’re nearly the end of the mystery here. Three more episodes! Was Chuck’s return the bad news that Jughead was foreshadowing all those weeks ago? It doesn’t feel nearly as bad as I wanted it to be. But this was another great and juicy episode for Riverdale.